Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
