Those balls look pretty dangerous.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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