Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
