You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
