that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Randomize
