All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
