I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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