i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
