the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Even my vagina gasped.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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