I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
