I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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