I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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