update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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