if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
