I think my fart just growled at me.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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