I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy