I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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