I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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