Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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