she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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