you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
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You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
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Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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