I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
