I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
