So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
