I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
