Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
