I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
it's not cheating when I paid for it
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
