I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
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The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
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I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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