it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
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He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
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Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
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