I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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