did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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