I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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