Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
