I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
