he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
