I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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