The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
