I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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