I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
