Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Randomize
