You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm too high and old for this...
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
