My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
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He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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