when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
