Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
