can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
