If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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