my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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