I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
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the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
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They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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