also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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