I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
