My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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