its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
