when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
