i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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