Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
