Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
