You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
