I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
