apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
